Do you believe that your life will remain incomplete until you find that one deep and lasting romantic love?
I’m fairly certain most of you do. It’s an ideal that has been fed to you since the moment you were semi-conscious. It all started with those fairy tales your mother used to read you at night: lost princesses saved by knights on white horses, and a happily ever after.
Then you grew and slowly transformed into a lanky teenager with pimples and hormones. You spent your days fantasizing about the perfect girl, the perfect boy. You probably had your heart-broken for the first time, but you kept believing in mister or missus Right. The romantic lead in your personal story. The person who pulls all the strings of your life together.
Now you’re seventeen. You switch on the radio and listen to a couple of songs. Without fail they all have titles like “I will always love you” or “You didn’t have to hurt me so” or “Come back” or “Forever”. You bop your head to the sound of the music. You know the lyrics, you love this song.
At home you settle in to watch a film with your family. It’s an action flick, but still, there’s a romantic interest on the side. At the end of the film the new couple drive off into the sunset and all is well. Your personal dream of finding a partner grows every day. It becomes a benchmark in your life. The search is on.
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Romantic Love. A Soul Mate. That one person that’s going to spin your life around and turn every piece of crap to gold; the one who will understand you, be your friend, stay with you regardless of how awful you might be to them and keep you entertained, cared for and happy for the rest of your life.
Inevitably the reality of marriage or a long-term relationship, and the fantasy of romantic love simply never match up. After all, how can they? They are two diametrically opposite things, engineered for different purposes.
Not too long ago a marriage was simply seen as a partnership. Two people vowed to support each other from here on out, no matter what. In many cultural traditions love wasn’t even factored into it: what was considered important was that the two individuals came from similar backgrounds, and had matching ideals, hopes and dreams for the future. Most important, their families needed to get on, in order for the relationship to truly prosper and grow.
Nobody wants this kind of marriage anymore. We have all bought into the idea of finding “hot” love: you see someone across a crowded room, your eyes lock and you know – you just KNOW that you want to be with them. You have a whirlwind romance. You yearn for one another. You feel consumed by the other person’s hands and eyes and love.
But then time passes, and eventually you wake up to the fact that they are “just a person” with faults and problems, and soon the flame of love dies away. You realize you have absolutely nothing in common. It ends. It’s totally over.
If this only occurs two kids and four years down the isle, things can get fairly complicated. Throw into that a great sense of disappointment, and you’re looking at three quarters of our society. Eventually you find somebody else who’s not that great, but you decide to “settle” for them. You are never truly happy, always believing that somehow you lost out. Your expectations are never met.
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Let’s face it:
We have mountains of expectations from our partners, whether we can verbalize them or not. Most of us aren’t looking for a partner to only be a loving companion. They’re also supposed to be your lover, your best friend, your psychologist and your psychic (they need to be able to read your thoughts, at the very least), all neatly rolled into one easy-to-us package. In many cases, people really don’t want a partner at all. They’re waiting for a savior.
Consequently, marriages are dissolving faster than you can say ketchup. Commitment means about as much as buying a lottery ticket means you’re going to be a millionaire.
There was a time, not so very long ago, when romantic love was something people generally feared, and hoped would never befall them. Risky, potentially heartbreaking and unpredictable, it was considered best avoided all together. It burns too fast and too hard. The heart cannot sustain it.
Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet as a cautionary tale to warn people of the dangers of romantic love. Both lead characters lost their marbles completely in the throws of their love for one another. It results in great tragedy when they both off themselves.
I can imagine a family going to watch one of these productions, and the parents afterwards sitting the children down and saying: “Now you see? THAT’S what happens when you fall in love. Don’t be a stupid girl. Guard yourself against it, or tragedy is sure to befall you!”
It is only in the last couple of hundred years that people have embraced the idea of romantic love as one to be coveted and sought out, chased and dreamed of. Why did this happen? When did it change? Who fed us this lie and why? The ferocity with which it is being fed to us seems to increasing all the time.
We have fallen in love with the idea of love.
Falling in love is often more about us than it is about the other person. It is mostly an awfully narcissistic affair: we crave seeing our own reflections in other people’s eyes. We love them for reflecting what we perceive to be a beautiful part of ourselves. When they stop reflecting our “good” side, we feel betrayed. We hate them for it.
We want the dream of love, but become despondent and depressed when we have to deal with the reality of it. Love relationships are never simple. They confront us with ourselves in a very powerful way. They reflect what is good about us, and what is bad. If you are in any kind of denial about your life, you can be sure that relationship upon relationship will keep revealing to you what you don’t want to see or know about.
What drives your need to be in a relationship?
What would happen to you if you never met mister or missus Right?
What kind of love are you really after, and why?
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Dan Savage (relationship advice writer) sums this up really well in this video. His advice is right on when it comes to the fairy tales of long term relationships. Just note before watching, his style is a bit brash for some. Personally, I find him funny and refreshing.
It’s the long lost Julie Beet!
So lovely to hear from you – I hope you’re doing fabulously well.
I just have to say… I’m amazed. I’ve had more hits on my site today than ever before!
Obviously, relationships sell, I guess that’s nothing new, but still. I’m… amazed.
Dan Savage is AWESOME. Have never heard of him before, thanks for the intro!
x
In my head it boils down to what you really perceive the ‘perfect’ relationship to be like. As you stated, we’ve all been brainwashed from a very early age by the scenes from various fairy tales and movies, and the unfortunate fact is that those stories have become so ingrained in our psyche that to exchange them for the actual reality of a romantic relationship becomes an exercise equal in pain to chopping off a limb: they become invisible appendages which we cannot live or function without, and which we often refuse to see as crutches in our search for that one true love.
It is impossible for one person to fill all your holes and make you complete to the extent that you feel you need nothing more. Throw into the mix the fact that a lot of us seek partners who can provide the affection which we feel we never received from our parents, and you have a recipe for eventual disaster on your hands. And yet, even with experience and knowledge that our approach to relationships is tainted by our upbringing, we still hope against hope that we can hold on to those things which in our minds constitute the make-up of what an everlasting relationship should look like.
Personally I don’t know at this point whether I will ever find that one human being which possesses the ability to look into my soul and ‘get’ what I’m all about, who will above all love me specifically because of what she discovers there. The idea of having little mini-me’s running around my big future house with a beautiful wife sing-songing her way through its rooms is certainly very appealing, but the responsibility that goes hand in hand with having that kind of setup is scary as all hell to be totally honest, and in a very real sense I deeply fear how much of myself I would have to give up in order to make something like that work. In saying that I suppose that Ms Right will have me embracing the unknown rather than fearing it, but will I be happy with the new and ‘improved’ version of myself? Helluva question to answer.
Thanks for your comment Bob.
You write about whether you will be able to deal with the new and “improved” version of yourself, if you ever met the right woman, settled down and had that bunch of kids. I feel you on that one. I myself am not a great fan of marriage (as in signing documents) and having children (I’m just not that interested).
As you seem to still want these potentially wonderful things, my question to you would be:
What defines you? OR
How do you define yourself? What makes Bob who he is?
If you are defined by externals – for instance the roles we portray/ the labels we wear – going into such a relationship would definitely cause problems for you. If your sense of Self is based on ANY external structure there is a certain amount of danger involved, as you cannot control anything outside of yourself. The only thing you can control is you – how you choose to respond to what the world throws your way.
If your sense of Self is based on something inside of you, going into such a relationship might have its challenges, but you won’t feel a sense that you have had to “sell out” on who you are in order to have the relationship. No matter what happens outside of you, you will still be the same guy inside.
A relationship that on the surface appears to be perfect at the beginning might change into something else entirely over time. The one thing you can be certain of is change. Nothing stays the same, not even you. The secret of a relationship in that sense is to be able to “move” with it on the outside, whilst being completely committed to yourself on the inside. Never sell out to someone else’s dreams. You will hate them for it in the end.
I wish you all the best on your new solo adventures. Keep on rocking guy.
You see, that’s just the thing: I’ve become uncompromising about who I am and what I want to the point that even I sometimes do a double-take, but I think it’s better and safer this way. I also believe that a content kind of happiness will never be provided by anyone else, only by myself, so the stance is a bit “take it or leave it” at the moment, which is a good thing when you consider where I found myself not so many moons ago. I guess the danger in such an approach is the very real possibility that I might end up being alone for the rest of my life, but there is a kind of… solace in that thought, if that makes sense. I’m at peace with it because I realize I’ve to some extent become the exact opposite of what I used to be, and, to be honest, what I used to be wasn’t exactly conducive to my own emotional health, which has now finally shifted to the foreground.
In the end I will go wherever the wind blows me, and if does somehow result in me settling down and having a family then so be it. If not, well, that’s also perfectly fine.
Take care and thanks for your piece. It managed to pull a nice handful of strings. Peace.
Spot on. The first problem is that girls grow up being told they are princesses. So as they grow older they continue to expect to be treated like one. Not only by men, but also by ‘jealous’ sisters’, and evil mothers.
(Of course, men have some warped expectations thrust upon them as well, such as ‘baddies’ everywhere being out to get you; women, or princesses, only being able to love you if you save or protect them from some evil person; and other preposterous superhero fantasies.)
However, I do find it hard constantly being told that deep love does not exist, especially because I’m in a loving relationship. Of course expectations should not be part of the picture, and it requires work not to lose intimacy and appreciation. But it is rather hard work resisting taking on society’s expectations. Being told that there is no such thing as monogamy and that you need to keep relationships fleeting and relatively superficial, in order to not get hurt. Perhaps I’m just really lucky, but I’m sure there’s others out there with deep relationships that do not feel the need to dilute their relationships. Is this response just a dangerous polarisation?
Truth is empty, without expectation, without the need for justifications – you, not ego, create it.
There are no recipes. We connect at different levels, for different reasons, at different times.
Dear Pieter,
Of course deep love exists! I’m one of the greatest fans in the world of DEEP, DEEP LOVE!
My point is this:
It happens too often that people who don’t yet love themselves go in search of love outside of themselves, and in displacing that love they create endless pain and suffering for themselves.
There are many people who have beautiful, successful relationships out there, passionate long-term ones that work and last. Personally though, I think that those relationships are based on one of two things: the people involved in it have “sorted themselves out” to some extent, meaning they don’t come into the relationship with massive amounts of baggage and expectations. OR the relationship is being had by two people who are very, very clear about the terms and conditions, and the fact that the relationship itself is non-negotiable. Whatever happens, they have to make it work.
Consider yourself lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful and enduring love! x
You are a wise and insightful woman. Thank you for taking the time to put things in perspective for those of us who know their is a bigger picture going on but lack the self distance to see it let alone describe it. You make companionship seem very attractive , not to mention the forms of love that can arise out of such unions which are based on far more solid emotions and values such as mutual respect. However I am glad to have had my in love with love narcissistic experiences with a child to boot, just so that I can value the true meaning of companionship.
I’m happy if it has struck a chord for you Woody. Thanks for reading along x
Lol… All you need is love!
Indeed seester of my seester!
You are so right about that.
My main motivation (haha it’s alliteration) for being in a relationship with Alber van Zyl is probably raising the kids in a dual-parent home. I love him. Not in the stormy, I must have you or die way I loved my first love. He is my friend, Shaman and new baby’s pappa, financial partner and sometime lover. He is not my husband, but we both like stuff so we may marry with an expensive registry for the poor unsuspecting guests.
I admit there is a certain comfort to coming home to someone who shares half the burden of this life. I admire his mind and I love the way he smells, which is how our biologies landed up creating children in the first place! I’m afraid of him ceasing to love me, which is childhood insecurity and I thank him for pressing that button so I can heal.
He sounds like a keeper Anel. You’re a lucky lady!